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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in Shion Uzuki's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
5:18 pm
Entry #3
I know I haven't written in this for a while. But like last time, I need to get it out somehow.

In the space of about a day, I've gone from amusement to confusion to fear and then to anger. KOS-MOS, apparently, has decided she's got something, God knows what, to do on Second Miltia without me, and has kindly refrained from telling me exactly what. I seriously think that maybe the new upgrades are causing a serious OS malfunction, because how else can I explain it? When I saw her come out of that burning building, I literally felt my heart stop. I had no idea she was in any kind of trouble at all! And then I get a note after the fact telling me that- I apologize for the fear I have most certainly caused you after running from the Elsa and traipsing about with Nekyia, and now again after I have left to meet MOMO. I assure you I am taking care of myself and also that I will be able to speak with you soon if you so wish. Please contact me if you need anything.

Yes, I need something! I need you to trust me enough to be able to tell me that you want to go someplace! Did you think I'd tell you no? That I'd insist that you were 'just a machine' and didn't have anything worth doing on Second Miltia? That I would insist that I screen anyone you were going to meet? I would never deny you any sort of personal experience that you really wanted that I could manage. I will, and have, battled everyone from the Director on down on the principle that you have the right to like what you want and the right to speak what you want. Or did you just not want to bother? You certainly don't seem to have a problem ignoring what I think when it suits you. Stubborness seems to be an emotion you don't have a problem with.

If you knew it was going to scare me, then why didn't you say something! And, yes, it did scare me- after Proto Merkabah and that....stunt you pulled on the Elsa-

I need to calm down. I know why I'm so upset. It's because- KOS-MOS, did you find me lacking? And if so, in what?

If you felt you needed to make friends; that you needed someone to talk to....why didn't you ask me?

This time, I'm afraid it's not making me feel better. Sorry. I'll try again later.

Kevin....I miss you.
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
3:02 pm
Entry #2.5
Nothing very eventful has happened since I last wrote, so I titled this entry #2.5. I'll write a #3 when I have something new to talk about.

Finally finished foot upgrade files. What a relief. I think I've covered the entire foot shape spectrum in just a few days. But at least I know KOS-MOS will have the very best feet Vector can manufacture. Considering all the time and email space I've devoted to her retrofit, those feet had better be able to multitask. (The mental image of KOS-MOS kicking someone with one foot and writing in her journal with the other just made me laugh out loud.) I wonder what other surprises Second has in store for me. I hope I'll have time to run over and okay all the changes with her. When I told her about the helmet situation, she seemed a little cast down.

Luckily, she's spending some time with chaos, who ought to put her in a better frame of mind about things. KOS-MOS seems to enjoy his company. (Good! Stratification of contacts is an important step in forming a personal frame of reference....) I like him- he's oddly comforting, and very understanding, no matter what your particular situation may be. I'm also very grateful for the way he interacts with KOS-MOS. It's a relief to have someone else who doesn't treat her like equipment. I think that's why she likes him.

With KOS-MOS socializing, you'd think I would be off to do something productive as well. Well...actually I'm off to go pick up my Connection Gear to play poker with Bunnie. I owe him a round, and he'll remind me about it forever if I don't follow through. I should teach KOS-MOS, but knowing her she'd be unbeatable and would have a poker face like a stone wall. I would have no hope. Maybe chess?
Friday, March 12th, 2004
4:11 pm
Entry #2
Drat. Drat! I feel like a heel. Last night, on the way to get more coffee, I found KOS-MOS wandering around the B2 deck near the A.G.W.S hanger. I should have realized that she wouldn't have put herself in her maintenance bed under the non-combat behavior term structure that her OS sets out for her. I guess.....I've just- gotten so used to her taking the initiative on certain issues. She made arrangements to get herself recharged, refueled, uploaded, downloaded, and just about everything else. She's only really needed me for maintenance, refitting and rearmoring.

I've gotten used to thinking of KOS-MOS not as a robotic OS, but as just KOS-MOS, herself. I find myself more and more wondering if she'll be okay with things I've decided for her. If she hurts, or feels- well, anything, really. Then again, if I feel that way about her, I should be glad, right? After all, I AM trying to encourage her to develop her own personality- likes, dislikes, feelings.

But I- I can't decide. When I react to something with a thought like, "Will KOS-MOS like it?" is it because I know KOS-MOS will have an opinion about it, or because I hope she'll have an opinion about it? Am I simply a good observer, or is it just wishful thinking on my part? And (to continue with the dratting above) are my hopes and observations causing me to be neglectful of KOS-MOS in some way? I can't help but yell at myself a little.
1. My assumption that she would handle her own rest cycle might have caused a potentially serious accident with the hardware i.e: KOS-MOS reaction time down from lack of upload/recharge time. 2. She must have been lonely down there by herself. I should have made sure she was okay before going about my own business.
My responsibilities to her don't simply end at the line of a concientious scientist. I- she's my friend.

....it's no good pulling my hair out about it now. Next time, I'll be more careful. On both fronts. As to the rest- I just don't know. I'll handle it when it comes up. Right.

More news on the Great Retrofitting Debate: Latest email from Second Division hinting at need for foot upgrade attributable to planned increase in height. As result, am focusing on larger foot design, instead of smaller.
Tried to request upgrade plans from Second, only to be denied by Director fussing about classified plans on civilian channels. Honestly! You'd think the man never heard of a firewall. Bunnie can handle any Gear hack. When I get to Second Division headquarters, will read all plans. Despite Director.
Still being discreetly hinted at that new helmet designs can be pretty much deleted, as new helmet not part of future Second design. No helmet? I really need to see those plans. This whole secrecy thing regarding retrofit starting to get on my nerves.

Whew. I've just realized what might be the biggest benefit to having a journal- someone to talk at when I'm feeling frustrated. I do feel better having gotten it out. Thanks.

Off to go fetch maintenance log to finish foot upgrade File #12.
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
12:41 pm
Entry #1
I've never kept a journal before. It would be faster if I could just record all of this vocally, but I asked KOS-MOS to do hers by hand, and it really wouldn't be fair for her to write and I to record. It is more 'personal' to write it, and this is a personal journal. Besides. I'd feel like my brother wandering around talking to myself.

I suppose this isn't much different. Instead of talking to yourself, you're writing to yourself. I suppose it's something like sending an email to yourself, telling yourself all about what you did that day, and what you thought about it. Then, months later, you can go back through your archive and smile or remember. It will be good for KOS-MOS to be able to go back through that kind of personal record, as opposed to just being able to rewind the data. It gives it a dimension of having your own space that is essential for a well-grounded personality of the type I'm trying to encourage KOS-MOS in.

Hmm. Maybe sent up my terminal to scan her waves while she re-reads her journal? I wonder if she'd be okay with that.

In more positive work-related news, she did agree to write the journal. Designs for a new headpiece almost finished- I've got to tweak the necessary circuitry to be more compatible with the Second Division's equipment designs before I send them over there. Strangely, the person I got in touch with in Second told me not to be too focused on the helmet, and instead to work out some schematics for a foot upgrade. Foot upgrade? Bigger feet? Smaller? Well, I'll try them both.

Coffee, then feet.

Current Mood: awake
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